Reflections

How does one write a summary of a multifaceted experience?  I think it is impossible, but I am going to try to use my rambling words to give those of you who prayed for me and supported me a little glimpse of what God did in Russia and the things He taught me.

There were seemingly two parts to this internship.  In one sense, I was there to serve and help wherever there was a need.  I was there to support the missionaries and the local church by using whatever gifts God has given me to help with their summer ministries.  This included planning and doing crafts, kayaking with teens, helping with games at camp, mopping floors and cleaning, partaking in informal hang-out events to draw youth in to the Church, and trying to live out and demonstrate the Gospel to the Russian people.  The other part of the internship was being a student.  I was there to learn by asking loads of questions, observing, reading, praying, and immersing myself in the culture.  Dan and I spent a lot of time praying and talking about our future in Russia.  We have been seeking out whether or not that is somewhere God wants us to be.  Being in the position of a learner also meant God taught me a lot of lessons.  Through various experiences like getting sick, getting lost, missing my Grandma's funeral, and being stuck in the Moscow airport for two extra days, God stretched me, guided me, comforted me, and restored me.  I learned so much more about His faithfulness, love, and sovereignty over every situation.

It has been incredible to see how God took these two portions of the trip and used them with each other for His perfect plan.  As He stretched me and took me out of my comfort zone, I was able to find out I could serve and survive in situations I never thought were possible.  In this way, I was able to be a better helper.  On the other hand, as I was trying to help more and serve, I continued learning lessons about myself, Russia, and God.  There was a lot of conviction of pride, lack of trust, selfishness and fear that was mingled with gratitude for God's ability to teach me, grow me, and allow me to still serve despite those sins.  God is a wonderful God who uses our filthy rags and turns them into something for His glory and kingdom.  It has been an incredible journey to experience this and watch it happen.

Thank-you for your prayers and support.  I definitely could not have done this trip had it not been for the people who financially supported me, encouraged me, and prayed for me.  God is doing wonderful things in Russia.  People were brought into the family of God, lives were changed, Christians were refreshed, and future plans for Dan and me were solidified even more.  I ask that you continue to pray for the country of Russia and for the missionaries and believers there as they continue to do God's work.

As for Dan and I, we are now looking ahead to these next few years that hold marriage, graduate school, and perhaps some support raising to go the country we have fallen in love with :)

Tambov

Full Moon over the city of Tambov

Waving goodbye to our friends at the train station

Russian Orthodox Church in Moscow

Back in Red Square

Such a blessing to be a part of this team

My roommates/supervisors/translators/etc. 

The first day our flight was cancelled.  Sitting in the Moscow airport.

Our two cancelled flights ended up leading us to the Swiss Alps as we made a connection in Geneva.

Enjoyed a wonderful week at the beach with family after returning. 

Condense.

These past two and a half weeks have been filled with many ups and downs, and all that is in between.  There have moments of intense joy and praise, like during invitation night at camp when many of the campers made a decision to follow Christ, and moments of intense grief and pain, like losing my Grandma during my time at camp.  Here are a few of the noteworthy ways in which God has been at work in my life and in Russia.

Camp was an incredible experience.  Nastia ended up attending (see previous blog post), and she brought another friend along with her.  It was so fun getting to build more of a relationship with them throughout the week and have some spiritual conversations.  Please pray that they continue to meditate on the Gospel message that they heard at camp.  We plan to meet with them one more time before we head to Moscow on the 4th.  Here they are on the final night of camp enjoying the bonfire.  

Remember the girl I shared about with the difficult home life?  The pastor of the church here decided that although she was too young to attend camp, she would come and stay with the workers to get away from her home life.  She helped me with crafts all week and it was great getting to have fun with her.  On the last night of camp, she repented and stepped into the family of God.  Praise God that she understood the Gospel and has now been adopted into His family!  Thank-you for your prayers regarding this sweet girl.  Please continue to pray that this commitment takes hold in her life and that she is able to impact her family for Jesus.  

Camp was very busy and tiring.  Dan taught guitar and frisbee gold, Aaron taught English lessons and a low ropes course, and I taught kayaking and crafts.  Dan and Aaron were also asked to be a part of the morning and evening worship band with Dan on drums and Aaron on guitar.  We helped out with the daily camp games like relays and capture the flag and spent our free time preparing for scavenger hunts and playing UNO or Dutch Blitz with the campers.  Throughout all of this, God gave us the energy we needed, and it was so worth it to see some of the campers receive Christ as their personal Savior on the last night of camp.  God did great things, and we feel so privileged that we got to witness Him at work.  Please continue to pray for the campers, that they would grow in their new relationship with Christ and that they would be a bold witness to others.  

Roasting meat at the bonfire on the last night of camp. 

I got to do this twice a day every day.  Can't describe how happy this made me.   

One of the campers. 

Some of these girls are the worker's kids.  The girl on the far left side of the picture was a young camper.  This was taken not long after she repented!

Another unexpected thing happened while I was at camp. My Grandma went to be with Jesus after a battle with Alzheimers. While I would have never chosen to miss the funeral of a woman who made such a big impact on my life, I know that this was part of God's ultimate plan. She was perhaps my biggest encourager and prayer warrior for missions, and I know I would not be in Russia now had it not been for her constant support and prayer. God was so gracious in giving me peace beyond understanding and a close sense of His presence through the grieving process. I have been so blessed to have a Grandma like her and I am rejoicing that she is now with Jesus in glory. This picture was taken a week before I came to Russia, on their 60th wedding anniversary.

Well, this was my attempt to condense things into a short blog post.  God has done wonderful things here, and our team has loved getting to experience them.  We have a couple more days in Tambov before we head up to Moscow on the 4th.  In Moscow we will do some tourism before flying home for debriefing in Michigan on the 6th.  Thank-you for your prayers.  Please keep praying for Russia.  God is expanding His Kingdom.  To Him be the glory! 

Half-Way Point.

It has been another busy week of planning and preparation work for camp.  Here is a quick rundown of the youth camp details.

• July 23rd-August 1
• 70-90 campers between the ages of 14-21
• Believers and nonbelievers
• Evangelism and discipleship
• Located in Lipetsk, Russia
• Our team (Dan, Aaron, and myself) will be doing crafts, teaching English, teaching guitar, helping with sports and activities, sharing our testimonies in the different campers' tents at night, and other random errands.

We have continued building relationships with the orphanage graduates and the young teenage girls the missionary here knows.  Some of the orphans have expressed serious interest in coming to camp, and a few of the teenage girls are in the process of signing up.  Tonight we met with the young girls one last time before camp (we leave for Liepetsk on the 17th to begin more prep work for camp).  It was so encouraging to see how their hardness has softened and we now have a friendly relationship with them.  They are more open to laughing with us, asking us questions about God, and giving us hugs.  This is the picture we took tonight after we invited them to the church for the first time and hung out.

Please pray for Tania, Nastia, Lina, and Kristina.

We have also had time this week to hang out with the Russian believers and play with their kids, and babysit for two of the missionary families here so their parents can have a night of rest.  Tomorrow I have been invited to go to a river walk with a Christian peer.  She is invited her friend who does not know Jesus and who wants to practice her English with me.  Please pray that we have good conversation and that she understands the Gospel.  

I know this has been a detailed rundown of this past week, but it may be my last update until after camp (2 weeks from now) due to a lack of internet when we leave Tambov.  In light of that, I am going to share one last story, and ask that the body of Christ would lift up this sweet girl in prayer.  

This girl came to family camp as a guest with a family from the Church.  She is 11 years old and has endured a lot in life.  I am not going to share her entire story, but she has witnessed drugs, alcoholism, family members in and out of jail, and a completely absent father.  The government is now trying to determine if she would be better off in an orphanage, which would whisk her away from the missionaries here who have gotten to know her, and the church here that is involved in her story.  Pray that her home is infiltrated with the peace of Jesus and that there would be advocates here for her to determine what is best for her.  Pray that she is able to understand the Gospel and that God draws her to Himself.  God hears the prayers of His own, and He surely answers.  

Speaking of prayer, I also ask that you continue to pray for youth camp.  Pray that lives are changed by the Gospel and that believers are able to grow and mature in their faith.  Thank you for the ways you have been praying.  If I had time, I would write about all the ways God has been answering your prayers, because we have seen Him at work in wonderful miraculous ways here!  Here are a few more fun pictures. 

Pretty area right outside the city of Tambov. 

Russia is a beautiful country. 

Sweet girls at the Church. 

Yasha and Sasha

Uno, so much Uno!

до свидания!

Building Connections

It has been a great week in Tambov.  We have spent time getting to know the rest of the missionary team here, finished a lot of planning for youth camp, and done relationship building with youth in the area.

Due to reasons beyond our control, the outreach in the villages has now become outreach here in the city.  Instead of going to the villages for 10 ten days, we will be in Tanbov doing some similar things.  We trust this is all part of God's plan.  Here are some glimpses into what we have been up to this past week.  

On Wednesday night, our team went with some of the missionaries to a dormitory.  The guys starting throwing a football around and I stood by praying and waiting for some girls to show up.  It didn't take long for some people to start coming out of the dorm to play football.  A young girl came out as well to hang out.  This dorm, however, is different from the dorms in the States.  It is the dorm where the government houses the orphan graduates who are going through trade school after "graduating" from their orphanage.  During the summer, they stay in the dorm because they have no family to go home to.  It was a joy to be able to spend time with this young woman (Alina) and start building a relationship.  We plan to do the same thing next week, and I hope Alina comes back.  Please pray for her, that we would be able to show her the Gospel and that she would show an interest in coming to youth camp.  Dan and I especially were so excited to experience this kind of ministry for the first time, and we are continuing to pray about how God might use us in orphan graduate ministry in our future.

Last night, we went over to a missionary's home for dinner.  She invited some of the young teenage girls she has been getting to know over the past few years.  We had a meal with them, and then taught them the game of spoons.  Even with the language barrier, we all had such a fun time laughing and hanging out.  It was wonderful to hear that one of the girls has now committed to going to camp, and is even urging some of her friends to join her.  These girls do not know Jesus and we are praying that they understand and embrace the Gospel through youth camp.

Please pray over this next week that we would continue to build relationships with people.  Pray that God would shine through us so the Russians can see the Gospel and want to know more about it.  Pray that the youth would have a desire to come to camp, and that the process of getting their parent's permission would be effortless (Christianity is viewed as a cult here and often looked down upon).  Thank you for your prayers!  Our team cannot wait to see how God works at youth camp and in the preparatory work leading up to it.  

A Week in Russia

We are in Russia!  The traveling process went smoothly.  Dan and I got to see the sunrise over the mountains in Greenland from the plane (Aaron was on a different plane), and it was such a beautiful depiction of God's majesty.  When we arrived in Moscow, we had to wait until our evening overnight train to the city, so we toured the city.  

Taken after over 24 hours of traveling.  Keeping our eyes open. 

The morning our train arrived in Liepetsk, camp began, so we hit the ground running.  It was a family retreat camp, meant to encourage and give rest to the pastors in the area.  Christian families were able to spend time having fellowship with each other and taking a break.  Dan, Aaron, and I helped out wherever help was needed, and have loved learning more about the culture and language.  We got to play with the kids, clean, organize crafts, and other random projects.  It was such a joy to be able to give these families (especially the parents) a week of physical and spiritual rest and rejuvenation in the Lord before they go back to their jobs.  The three of us were also blessed in seeing the joy of the Lord in these families, and getting to know them.  While the week was physically, emotionally, and spiritually stretching, there is not a doubt in any of our minds that this is where the Lord wants us right now, and we are enjoying Russia so much!

Some of the teenage girls at the camp.  They helped me with my Russian and I taught them some English.  This called for a lot of charades and laughs.

We are now in Tambov for 4 days of rest.  From here we will go into the villages for 10 days to do evangelism outreach.  Please pray that the Gospel will be proclaimed in truth as we go to these villages.  Pray for the Russian believers as they leave camp and go back to their lives, that they may be strengthened in the Lord.  Pray for health, strength, and joy on our team (there is already some sickness going around).  We cannot wait to see how God allows us to be a part of what He is doing here in Russia!  

One week.

It's hard to believe that a week from today, our team of three will be on a plane to Moscow.  I'm going to jot down a few things for anyone who wants to can be praying about as we prepare to leave.

• The attendees of the three camps we will be helping with (Youth English camp, youth discipleship camp, and family camp).
• The believers in the cities we will be going to, and the missionaries who are already there and who spend their lives dedicated to that region and those people. 
• The bonds of alcoholism and depression in the region. 
• The Gospel to establish light, hope, and peace to a dark land.
• All of the necessary preparations for our team as we go (buying all of the necessary craft supplies, the paperwork, and most importantly, spiritual preparation). 

"If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you." 

The Contents of Prayer.

 "Our prayers for the evangelization of the world are but a bitter irony so long as we only give of our superfluity and draw back before the sacrifice of ourselves. " by M. Coillard in On the Threshold of Central Africa.  Influenced Amy.

I'm currently reading through Elisabeth Elliot's biography of Amy Carmichael (missionary to India), entitled A Chance to Die.  Something that has struck me as I have read this book is Amy's intense dedication to prayer.  Surprising, her letters home were not filled with all of the victories won on the field; but rather, all the sorrow.  In these stories of sorrow, she earnestly beseeched her friends and family at home to pray, because she believed in its power.  The contents of her prayer requests have been rather surprising to me.  Instead of primarily asking people to pray for her strength, health, peace, etc, she asked them to pray for the country, the people, the lost, the spiritual warfare, and the like.  She was so focused on the greater missions of bringing glory to God that all of her concerns and needs were overshadowed and swallowed up by the greater need of reaching the lost and discipling them into being mature believers in Christ.  She was intently focused on her purpose, so much so that she truly did sacrifice her needs and even her prayer requests so that other needs and prayers could be lifted up on behalf of God's ultimate purpose.  It is with this in mind that I include this quote from the book.  It was a quote that Amy counted as very dear to her, and she truly did model self-sacrifice.

This book has taught me that I spend far too much time praying for myself, and thus allow the needs of the world to be put on my secondary prayer list.  Prayer for others must be primary, and I am sure one will find personal growth and personal peace when one does practice self-sacrifice. In light of this, I have a request.  Please, pray for Russia.  Pray for the students, children, and families my team will be working with.  Pray for the believers there - that they would be discipled, and would thrive as a visible body of Christ to the Russians.  Pray that the light of Christ pervades the hurting country of Russia.  Pray.

Transparency.

Growing up, I loved reading missionary biographies.  I would read about Amy Carmichael, Hudson Taylor, David Livingstone, and the like with amazement over their passion for serving God at all costs.

Since that time, I have told myself I will count the cost too.  When I would get scared at this thought, I would simply think to myself, "I don't have to deal with that yet, and when I do, God will give me the grace."  If I may be completely honest for a moment, I can no longer tell myself that.  The time to go (both short-term and long-term) is getting closer.  The fear of missions sometimes strikes me in new ways, and I am scared to death about counting the cost.  I wonder why I can't have the missionary gusto of people like Amy Carmichael, or many other missionaries I know who, although had many struggles, seemed so bold and fearless in the process.  I don't have any profound answers to this, all I know is that the fear I am facing is real.  When I think about moving overseas, I'm terrified of being away from my family and so many of the securities I have.

However, I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that God will give me grace.  I have wrongly taken this God-given grace, however, to mean that the pain of missing family and counting the cost goes away.  Although I am a novice at all of this, I no longer believe the pain will go away.  The pain will be there, but God will also be there.  Always.  In the midst of my fear, I stand on the promises of God, knowing He does all things for the good of His name, Kingdom. and children.

So, maybe this post was to ask for prayer.  Maybe it was to get feedback and see what other people think about this topic.  Maybe it was to finally be transparent about the fact that while I am extremely excited about missions, there are times where I am scared too, but I dare not mention to that people.  Oops, I just did.  I'm going to post a song that has been incredibly encouraging to me during this time.  Hope it encourages you to share the Gospel, knowing the Lord guides your path, protects you, and empowers you to do all He has called you to do.  Oh yeah, and Psalm 32.  That's all.

Letter.

Because this blog will have all of my updates from Russia, I have decided to post my prayer letter that I sent out last week.  I hope it gives people a better idea of how to pray for me during this time.  Here it is, and thanks for your support!


Здравствуйте! (Hello!)

Did you know that only 1.2% of Russia is evangelical Christian?  This coming summer (June 23-August 6), God has given me the opportunity to put my Moody education into practice in the beautiful, yet hurting country of Russia.  I will be going to the city of Тамбов (Tambov), Russia for 6 weeks with SEND International to do a missions internship.  During my time in Russia, I will be part of a team putting on an English camp, a youth discipleship camp, and a family evangelistic camp, along with contributing to daily ministry tasks.  I will be able to utilize my major of evangelism and discipleship in a very practical way.  In order to go on this trip and live out what I have learned in the classroom at Moody, I need to raise a total of $4,710.  I strongly feel that this trip is something God has had planned for my life since before my birth.

The internship will also be my official vision trip with SEND International, which means that it is the first step in going to Russia with SEND full time post-Moody.  The country of Russia is a place God has been making me passionate about for over 2 years.  I pray that my time there will serve to confirm His calling on my life for full time ministry, and enable me to learn more about how to minister to the wonderful people of Russia.  In order for this trip to be made possible, I must rely on friends and family who support the cause of global missions.  I ask that you would pray and consider making a financial investment in this trip and the Russian people.

Perhaps even more important than my financial need is the necessity of prayer.  Jesus says in John 15:5, "Apart from me you can do nothing."  I know that I am insufficient for the task of spreading His great name among the nations, and thus, I need much prayer that God will work through me to expand His kingdom.  Would you please consider being a financial donor and a prayer warrior for this cause of eternal value?  Words cannot express the value each and every one of you has in my life.  You have all played a significant role in shaping me into who I am today, and I thank the Lord for the investments you have already placed in my life.  May God bless your generosity, and may you continue to serve Him faithfully in the ways that He may call you.      

In the love of Christ,

Courtney Mellinger

Preamble.

This week officially commenced the support raising process for my internship in Russia this summer.  I recently found out the specific price of the trip, allowing me to send out letters soon with all the details.  Due to that, this blog is largely going to be about Russia these next few months.  I hope to use it to post prayer requests, and give updates on the whole process (especially while I am there).  That being said, I want to share a few thoughts about trust as I begin this journey that could largely determine future plans post-Moody.  

E.M. Bounds has a quote on trust that has challenged my perspective about planning this trip.

"Trust is faith that has become absolute, approved, and accomplished. When all is said and done, there is a sort of risk in faith and its exercise. But trust is firm belief; it is faith in full bloom. Trust is a conscious act, a fact of which we are aware. " 

My trust in God about this trip ought to be something that is absolute, approved, and accomplished.  In other words, as I am raising money, I ought to trust God that He has already absolutely accomplished everything that needs to happen in order for me to board a plane for Russia.  My trust in God ought to be out of a firm belief in His provision and purpose.  Whew, I am severely lacking in such belief.  I too often take things into my own hands and make lists and accomplish tasks that reflect my distrust in God.  Those things are not bad in and of themselves, but when done in one's inability to rely on God's strength, they are sinful and meaningless.  Due to this, my theme prayer in this whole process must be Mark 9:24:

"Lord, I believe, help my unbelief!" 

God has called us to believe firmly in Him, because in doing so, we are able to go deeper and deeper into the depths of who He is and greatly strengthen out relationship with Him.  This is why God says in Isaiah 41:10, "Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand."  We are not to fear because He is with us.  As a professor recently pointed out, the verse does not say, "fear not, for I am sovereign," or, "fear not for I am trustworthy."  While these things are absolutely true and wonderful, the verse says we are not to fear because God is WITH us, in relationship with us, working on our behalf for His glory.  Such a relational, loving God who is always with us can certainly be trusted for all things.  

A perspective shift must occur in my mindset about this trip as I begin.  I must stop viewing it as something to be accomplished, and start viewing as a way to more deeply interact with my Creator God who is already with me and eager to provide me with all I need so I can accomplish His purpose.  This is absolute, approved, and accomplished trust.  Lord, in my moments of unbelief, help my unbelief and give me the ability to trust you more.  

Childish.

Today I am going to post another video.  I barely know anything about this girl, but one thing I do know: she seems to be the epitome of sweet childlike faith.  She is so sure that God delights in answering her prayers, and that He will answer.  She also has a deep desire at such a young age to encourage other people in Christ.  Watch and be challenged in your childlike faith.

"But Jesus called the children to Him and said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these.  Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will not enter it." Luke 8:16-17.

This concept of childlike faith will be fresh on my heart in these coming months.  In June, I will go to Russia for 7 weeks to do an internship with SEND International.  This trip will suffice as a vision trip, which means it will lay the foundation for future fill time ministry with SEND in Russia, if that is where God is leading.  That being said, this blog may have a lot of entries related to that trip such as support letters, prayer letters, and updates from the field.  May I approach this trip with faith like a child regarding raising funds, etc.  May I allow God to use my filthy rags however He sees fit.

P.S.- Special shout-out to my friend Leah Gordon for putting my blog in her post.  Leah has ben my friend since middle school, and even though we no longer talk every day, when we do, she encourages me in the Lord.  Thank the Lord for friends He has given you who have shaped your walk in with Christ and molded into who you are today.  Leah's blog can be read here.

Paradoxically Speaking.

I'm going to start off this entry with a quote from J.I. Packer's book, Rediscovering Holiness.  In one of the chapters, Packer presents a paradox of the Christian faith.  Essentially, he says that a growing despair and awareness of one's sin and rebellion against God marks a growing attribute of holiness in the believer's life.  Here is the quote...

"Intense distress at one's continuing imperfection, in the context of an intense love of goodness as God defines it and an intense zeal to practice it, is the clearest possible sign of the holiness of heart that is central to spiritual health.  The paradox--to hard a nut, it seems, for some to crack--is that increase of real holiness always brings increase of real discontent."

"What?!?" I thought when I first read this chapter.  "I thought that becoming more holy means an increasing awareness of one's victories over sin. A holy person is always happy and joyful because he or she is closer to God, and thus, not as captive to sin.  The only person who is discontent is the one who is not following God on a daily basis and living in unrepentant sin."  While there are truths in this, I think perhaps that there are also some grave misconceptions that can dangerously give us a wrong picture of ourselves, and a blasphemous view of the greatness of God.  Bear with me for a moment.

Are there moments in your walk with the Lord that you suddenly feel an overwhelming disgust with your struggles, your thorns, your sinful heart, and your motives?  When do these moments come?  Do they come when you have neglected your time with the Lord for a week, or when you have discovered him in a new and exciting way?  In my experience, when I meet with God in a new way, and He reveals a new part of Himself to me, I end up becoming more aware of my ugly sin, especially in contrast to His pure holiness.  At first, I became very confused and angry.  I wondered, why does it seem as if I am becoming increasingly more and more sinful if I am being consistent in my walk with the Lord?  However, the Lord has now shown me that the closer I get to Him, the more and more He will reveal to me my sinful ways, causing me to run all the harder towards His saving grace that alone can rescue from the bondage of sin.

A disclaimer is in order here.  I am not saying by any means that as one increases in holiness, one increases in GUILT.  Guilt is a tactic of Satan used to place our righteousness on ourself and cause us to believe the grand lie that we must earn our own grace.  Guilt tells us that failure to earn our righteousness makes us awful human beings. No, what I am saying is that an increase in holiness makes us sprint to the cross all the quicker, humbly throw ourselves before the throne of our loving and redemptive God, and through tears that flow on a daily basis, repent of our ways, begging that His righteousness continue to manifest itself in our lives.  In the flesh, we are inadequate, dirty, rotten, and repulsive to a holy God.  In Christ, (Gal. 2:20), we are new creatures, holy, redeemed, and pure.  Never forget this truth and the absolute glory of the Gospel and the Incarnation.  An increased awareness of the Incarnation and the beauty of the Gospel ought to daily show us what wretched, filthy, and ragged creatures we would be apart from Christ.  So, in short, growing in holiness involves growing despair at one's flesh apart from Christ. We should all pray, with Paul...

"What a wretched man I am!  Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? THANKS BE TO GOD, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord." Romans 7:24-25.

Father, may we ever long for the day when we will be fully new creatures, enjoying sweet and untainted fellowship with you in your Kingdom.  Sustain us until then, and affirm us of your salvation as we see our filthy rags become yet filthier.

Story Time.

I hope I do not make a habit of doing this, but I am going to tell a story...about myself.  This story takes place on a recent train ride I took on my way back to Chicago for school. I hope it offers a glimpse into the depths of my sinfulness as well as my great need for the Lord.  I also hope that God uses my experience to challenge others should they find themselves in a similar situation, and with similar struggles as myself.  Here it is.  

I was thoroughly enjoying my peaceful train ride with my earphones in.  The little toddler in front of me was my entertainment as he played with his toy train and stared wide-eyed out the window, exclaiming to his dad, "a weal twain daddy!"  The empty seat next to me was filled with my purse.  Just the way I like it: my own personal space, my music, my time.

As I spent some time in prayer, I found myself being convicted.  There are few people I am actively evangelizing to.  I asked the Lord to make my eyes more open to those around me, and give me people who I can share His truth with.  I wanted to learn how to show His love to those hard to love.  Then I said Amen.  And forgot the prayer.

The little boy in front of me pressed his nose against the glass and rested his chubby fingers on the windowsill as he watched the train come to its first stop.  He loved watching the conductor stand at the doorway to welcome new passengers.  I made it a point to keep my head down and my earphones turned up, so as to not welcome anyone into the empty seat next to me.  It was then that I saw a man stumble on board who appeared to be drunk.  I held my breath as he passed me, hoping he would have his eye on a different seat further back in the train.  When he passed, I took a breath, and caught the remnants of his scent.  It was not pleasant.  I sighed in guilty relief that he had not chosen my empty seat.  As soon as that thought crossed my mind, I realized how quickly I had forgotten my recent prayer.  How hypocritical of me to pray a prayer such as the one I had, and then when God perhaps provides an opportunity to evangelize, I run in the other direction.

As I was enduring this battle in my mind, the man stumbled back up to my portion of the train and stood right in front of my seat.  To my further shame, I purposefully did not catch his eye to ask him to sit next to me.  God intervened instead.  The conductor looked at the man, called him by name, and told him he could "sit next to that lady right there."  That "lady" was me.

My actions get even worse.  Instead of talking to him, I choose instead to start talking to the toddler in front of me about his toy train.  As he babbled on about how fast it went, and the fact that it held 1,000 passengers, I listened with ease, grateful that I was successfully avoiding a conversation with the man next to me.  The man, Barney, did try to strike up a conversation with me, and his voice was so loud that I am pretty sure the entire train heard what he was saying.  For somebody like me, who likes to stay in the background in public places, this was very embarrassing.  I am not proud of this.

To make an already long story a little less long, I will say that Barney and I did end up talking for quite a long time.  I found out that his stumbling was not due to drunkenness; the man is blind.  The conductors know him because he has to ride the train often, and needs their assistance with finding a seat.  If only I had been friendly and told him there was an empty seat right next to where he was standing, I could have shown him the love of Christ in a very tangible way.  God started softening my heart towards this hurting man.  He shared with me a lot of things about his life, and I was able to talk about the Gospel with him.  He told me he had only read the book of Revelation and was very confused.  We laughed as I told him I am equally confused with Revelation.  I was able to tell him, however, that all of those confusing things are signs of a greater God, and the confusing parts remind us of our inability to fully grasp the greatness of the one true God.  We talked for a long while, and God gave me the words to speak.

I will not go into great detail about how much God taught me through this.  I hope the story speaks for itself.  God chose to use my stubborn, sinful heart to give truth to a man who needed it.  God even chose to add blessings along with the whole encounter, despite my sin.  For example: the fact that Barney talked really loud?  The entire train was able to hear bits and pieces of our conversation about Scripture and the Gospel.  Even more, God provided a person who was sitting behind me to encourage me after our conversation and tell me that it is so important to share the Truth with all people.

Thank you Lord for using my filthy rags.  May I love better next time, and may my eyes be opened to the circumstances around me, and the blessings you bring with those circumstances.

What really matters.

Ahh, a new year!  The time when I am not the only crazy person making new lists.  Being a journaler, I usually make lists of things I learned in the previous year, struggles, victories, blessings, etc.  I then make a list of goals for the year ahead, what I want to learn, how I want to grow, the challenges and blessings I am expecting.

This year, however, my outlook has somewhat changed.  God has asked me to go deeper into questioning what really matters in a new year, or in this life for that matter.  Philippians 1:9, says this:

And I pray this: that your love will keep on growing in knowledge and every kind of discernment, so that you can determine what really matters and be pure and blameless in the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ, to the glory and praise of God. 

I have been pondering a lot on this verse, and can't help but wonder, "Do I know what really matters?"  Do my thoughts, my actions, my goals, reflect that which really matters, or do they reflect worldly things that are of no eternal value.  Following the thought process of this verse, it seems that what really matters is being pure and blameless in the day of Christ.  What really matters is a pursuit of holiness, an active fight against sin and this world, and an active pursuit of the only One who can rescue us from it.  Now that changes some things in my mindset.  What if I were to filter my new year list through the words pure and blameless?  Would some bullets be crossed off?  Would I need to add or modify others?  Maybe I need to get rid of the list all together and just write pure and blameless in giant letters over my journal page.  You can see I am still Searching in this daily Christian walk.   

That being said, my list for this coming year will be a little bit different than previous years.  I only hope that I will live it out.  It is so easy to just make a list and feel as if I have thus accomplished all of the thoughts and ideas expressed in that list.  The truth is, though, that the list means absolutely nothing unless Christ gives me the power and the grace to start living out those goals.  I guess I need to go back and review my November blog, Listful Thinking.  Who knew...when I write about a topic on a blog, everything in that blog doesn't magically become woven into my heart.  This life is a long, hard, beautiful journey of living by grace and falling flat on our face.  Praise God that He always picks us up and accepts our filthy rags, making them beautiful. 

God, help me determine what really matters, and help me live in a way that matters for you. 

Thanks for reading the ramblings of a wordy person :)